I have thought long and hard about this blog, whether or not I should post something so personal. Do I really want to put myself out there....but I came to the conclusion that this is me and what I had faced was something out of my control and I could only wish I had someone warn me or explained to me what I was going thru was really about.
I was a little surprised months after having Joel that I was in this funk....feelings of frustration, guilt, disappointment, sadness....were not the feelings I expected I would have after my long dream of having another baby. Not only was I sad, I was angry....angry at myself for feeling this way, angry that things were just not the same as when I had Jase. . It wasn't just me that what suffering it was my family as well. My relationships of those around me started being affected. It was like I was a whole new person.
After I had thought about it I realized that I have had this ever since my miscarriage I had 2 months prior to getting pregnant with Joel. My whole pregnancy I was in denial that the pregnancy was actually real. I believe I felt this way because it was the only way I could protect my heart if something were to happen. On the day he was born I felt like it was an out of body experience....like omg I cant believe I just had a baby. I remember feeling so confused because I felt this overwhelming joy and happiness when Jase was born, tears of joy and excitement, but it was not the case after having Joel. Of course I was happy but I was more confused as to what just happened. The feelings were not what I had expected to have. I just kept looking at him in amazement like I had not just went thru 9 months of pregnancy.
Well when Joel was 6 months I thought these feelings have gone on too long so I made an appointment with my doctor. I explained what was happening and she said I have postpartum depression. I remember feeling worse at that moment because not only did I think I had this someone else thinks so as well. But then she began to explain to me that postpartum was not something you can control nor prevent but it was a hormone imbalance. So the next day I began treatment and after a few days I felt like a new person....like Joel was being presented to me for the first time.....for the first time I was truly happy to have him....I loved him yes...but my heart felt different until now. It was like I was living with this barrier and finally it was lifted.
Today....Well....I'm just as happy as I think I have ever been. It feels so so so good to have myself back. I look at Joel in amazement not the confused amazement I felt before, but the I can't believe I'm so lucky and blessed kind of amazement. My life feels so complete having him.
My advice....if you have these feelings don't feel guilty or sad that you have them....its normal. Make a doctors appointment right away, you'll be glad you did. I only wish I had done it sooner because I feel like I lost the first 6 months of Joel's life.